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Prime Time of Your Life

March 15, 2011

No mankinis here

Firstly, I’d like to issue an apology to the poor soul who found my blog by Googling “sister wives”.  I’m sorry.  I know you were looking for an episode summary or pictures of hunky Cody in a mankini, and instead, you got me.  In all my whackadoodle glory.  It must have been a great shock to your trashy-TV-loving soul.  Believe me, I have a trashy-TV-loving soul, too, and I’m pretty horrified by the depths I have sunk to.  I hope you managed to bravely click away from this site before you got sucked down too far into the Endless Pits of Despair.  God speed you, good citizen, on to your viewings of Toddlers and Tiaras, tally-ho!

Still no life in the old ovaries.  Or rather, still life in ovaries.  Picture my ovaries as a couple of pears, in a decorative bowl. (Pears Can Just Fuck Off!) I did however, learn that I have 40 immature follicles.  Quelle horreur!  Four months ago, my last antral follicle count was 22.  Thanks, PCOS!  Either the meds actually started something they didn’t quite finish, or my baby-making parts are spiraling downwards into a entropic ruin.  Guess which theory is popular amongst the Cookie Bloggers at this particular blog?  Guess which theories Milk Bloggers in these parts are talking me down from?

The nurse today talked to me about the possibilities and paths hereon out.  Right now, the plan is waiting until CD20 (in a week’s time), and if nothing has happened by that point, I get put on provera, my period gets induced, and they’ll try a higher dose of the femara.  Repeat until either my three months are up, in which case I get to talk to the RE (probably about injectables if I don’t respond to the femara at all, or about getting my polyp removed if I’m still not preggo) or until I get that BFP.

Go ovaries! This is your theme song!

It seems to me that I have some decisions to make.  I could probably turn down the provera.  This is the course I’m leaning towards right now.  See if I ovulate on my own in a semi-timely fashion.  Last time, I ovulated on day 27, a week after they stopped monitoring me.  If I wait, I won’t feel like I’ve wasted a chance at getting pregnant.  It won’t feel like a wasted cycle.

However, that route means I then I cut into the time I could be spending on a new dosage, which might up my chances of having a better ovulation, which might result in a healthier/viable pregnancy.  It’s also obvious that this lower dose didn’t help.  Shouldn’t I be moving forward, onto better things?  Isn’t waiting this cycle out just stagnation?  Is my resistance to the idea of inducing a period just a control thing at this point?  Am I simply being rebellious for the sake of rebellion?  Shouldn’t I be doing what’s best, not what I want to?

This morning, after the meeting, I talked to my sister on the phone and cried.  “This isn’t where I want to be”, I whined at her, like a big baby.  I think for the first time, she started to understand how much pain I’m in.  Not just the pain of infertility in all it’s glory – she’s in the same boat right now – but also the pain of being on more meds after finally getting off all the pills, the pain of not being in control of my life and the pain of being disappointed and let down by my body.  Fortunately, that didn’t last too long.

Don’t tell my boss, but I spent about an hour and half looking at houses on MLS, and daydreaming about that lottery winning.  We’re planning on buying a bigger house, in a better location, but we’re still working on saving up a down-payment.  Picturing having a backyard, a craft room, a full wall of books, a sunroom; all this cheered me up immensely.   Our current place is nice enough, but it’s not the house I would have picked if I’d had a say.  This is Mr. Milk’s house, and I still feel like a guest in it.

Speaking of guests and Milk, he’s approached me about doing another guest post.  I know I’m not the only one with lots on my mind.  I imagine it will be an awesome report on life with a slightly scatterbrained spouse.  Stay tuned, loyal readers!

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. March 16, 2011 11:46 am

    Hey there,
    I can’t say I’m in the same boat, but I totally relate to the instinct to rebel and wanting to not “waste” another cycle.
    I think the best thing you can do for yourself at this point is to weigh the options, and see which “what if” would feel worse to you in the long run. All we can really do is listen to our instincts.
    PS – I had the same problem with poor googlers when I was cursing out commercial diet scams and called out Dr. Phil for the 17 day diet shillfest. Somehow though, I actually got a couple of subscribers out of that post. So hey – I say write about sister wives once a week! It helps traffic! 🙂

    • March 16, 2011 7:51 pm

      Thanks. =) I think I’m just going to take the next week and weigh my options. And eat cake. Lots and lots of cake.

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